Advice - Troubled Marriage
When you look at it plainly, you will see the truth.
Marriages are going to have issues. They are going to have frustrations.
They are going to have challenges and difficulties. Two people (plus kids)
trying to get what they want, get what they need, have some fun, relax,
succeed in life, make money, get their intimacy needs met.
You won't always be on the same page. What he or she
wants won't always be the same as what you think you want or need. So you
will argue or you will feel slighted or you will be bothered by things. It's
going to happen with your spouse.
Additionally, even though you started deeply in love, love will tend to fade
or "settle" over time. The both of you become more familiar to each other,
and this changes the feelings of passion between you. Driving a car was very
exciting at first, but after a while it become just ho hum. Passion works
somewhat similarly. You lose some over the years.
None of this is bad. Like I said, it's going to happen. It doesn't mean you are
wrong or broken or a "failure in love" if you and your partner have some
"issues." It's not bad or wrong if you sometimes feel like you have fallen
out of love, or you think your partner has. It's not wrong if you feel the
spark has died, the shine has worn off. It's not bad if sometimes you feel
like you are roommates more than lovers.
As we've discussed, in the
beginning stages of a relationship, you are often in "oceanic love."
That stage where everything is great. You are deeply in love. Everything feels special. It is
a sweet and special time. But after several months to a year the phase of oceanic love
will fade. Sorry, it's going to happen. None of us get to stay in the
stage. Nature has other plans for us.
The next stage is "separation" or "me/us." You begin to move back from your
partner some and focus on your own goals and your own interests and friends.
This is perfectly natural, however, a lot of relationship troubles start at
this stage. Spouses don't understand that relationships weren't
designed to stay in the oceanic love stage. We would get nothing done!
Moving from the honeymoon phase to the me/us phase is where a lot of
relationship troubles happen. "Why don't you want to spend more time with
me?" asks one partner. The other might reply "Why can't you give me some
space?" Both views are valid, but each wonders what happened to the deep
feelings of love in the honeymoon stage. Men often will begin to blame their
partner, and think of cheating or leaving during this stage.
On the other hand women will tend to internalize the problems. Do I need to
go on a diet? Do I need to be more pleasing in some way? But you both need
to basically be mature enough to understand that the "oceanic love" phase of
the relationship has ended. Keep the relationship fun, but develop and move
forward with your own goals and interests.
After me and us, there comes the long term companionship stage. Will you be
happy together with less passion? Will you have more contentment or more
frustration? Will you respect each other and work to live as best friends,
or will you feel lost and lonely and like you just have a roommate?
Marriages then will have breakdowns. They occur in mine, they occur in Dr
Phils, they do and will continue to occur in yours. If you get spouses together for very
long, "issues" will arise. It's part of the basic nature of relationship.
Learn to work through issues as they come up and you will be rewarded with
long term love!
Marriage Advice on Trouble Relationships Action
1. How long has your marriage been out of the
2. What stage would you say you are in?
3. What problems are you facing?
4. Can you talk about them some with your
This won't fix everything, but hopefully give both
of you some room and patience to work through things.
Marriage advice and guidance is good to learn.
A little relationship intelligence can go a long way in providing the type
of marriage guidance that can help your relationship to thrive. Marriage advice doesn't need to be hard to understand or follow!
Take an insight and try it in your marriage today.